Reality Sets In

Since I finished radiation I have felt so good!  It's so easy to forget that I have a sarcoma except when I feel the lump on the ileac crest of my right buttocks.  I have had no pain whatsoever!  It's so great to feel "normal" again.  Even my energy level has skyrocketed and I've been taking longer walks without feeling exhausted.  But then reality hit when I talked to Dr. Clohisy yesterday (he's the orthopaedic oncologist who will be doing my surgery).  I had an MRI before going to see him and surprisingly the tumor has grown some.  I had assumed since I was not having any more pain and didn't have the feeling of something pressing on the sciatic area that it had shrunk.  He said that the tumor was more liquified and sometimes that happens when the tumor is dying which can cause the tumor to get larger.  I don't understand it all.  That wasn't the disturbing part.  It was when he started talking about the surgery.  He so matter-of-factly said "We'll remove the whole gluteus maximus".  And my thought is "Will I be able to walk OK without it?"  I mean really, this is a big muscle.  It is your buttocks muscle!  I guess when I thought about them removing the tumor, that would involve cutting the muscle open, taking out the tumor and sewing the muscle back together. Voila', the sarcoma is gone!!  But removing the whole muscle...and he said it so calmly like this happens all the time and everyone does great and if I'm lucky I won't even have a limp.  The movement most affected will be moving my leg back and out to the side.  So walking or riding a bike probably will be unaffected but I was thinking this morning about swimming.  The flutter kick involves kicking your leg back and the whip kick involves kicking your leg to the side.  So I guess swimming will be out for a while.  I know the body is amazing and the other muscles get stronger and pick up the slack, so maybe with some intense exercises I'll be able to swim again.
When I feel this good it is so hard to believe that I have cancer.  I just want life to go on like it is now and not think about next week and what lies ahead.  I know the Lord will give me the strength to get through this and He will heal my body and I'll be almost good as new in time.