Chemo Fears

Tuesday I met with Dr. Skubitz, the medical oncologist, to talk about chemotherapy.  Going in I wasn't too worried.  My dad had chemo when he had his non-Hodgkins lymphoma and didn't get many side effects, didn't even lose his hair until after about the 3rd round but was never sick.  A little tired after radiation for a couple days but he seemed to get through it without many side affects.  I was thinking it could possibly go the same for me.  But after he explained what the regimen would be like, I wondered what I was in for.  First off I need to have a portacath inserted for the infusions.  The chemotherapy would first start with an infusion of Doxil, which is enclosed in a closed lipid sphere.  This infusion takes about an hour and a half.  It can cause problems with the heart so you have to have an echocardiogram before you start the treatment.  Then they hook up the Ifos which is given through a pump that you wear in a fanny-pack and given over 7 days.  On day 7 they then attach a bag of Mesnex, which a chemoprotectant, they give to reduce the irritation to the kidneys and urinary tract. On day 8 they disconnect the pump and give you a SQ injection of Neulasta to help increase your white blood count.  And then 3 weeks later you start all over again.  I would have to start and end the treatments at the U of M because Roger Maris isn't familiar with that type of chemo.  And there's the usual side affects of nausea, diarrhea, mouth sores, etc.
And then there's that problem that I wouldn't be able to work because of all the "bugs" at my workplace.  With my lowered immune system I wouldn't want to take a chance getting sick.
On Wednesday when they started calling with all the appointments for portacath insertion, PET scan, echo, and starting the chemo on the following Weds., it all started becoming real to me and for the first time since my diagnosis I was afraid of all the uncertainty.  My doctor said that there were no guarantees that this would even kill the cancer cells.  We would do it for 2 months and then another PET scan and if it was working and the tumor was shrinking we would continue for 4 months.  If there was no change we would stop and go ahead with the radiation and surgery.  He gave me a 50/50 chance it would work.  And Dr. Clohisy gave me 50/50 chance with radiation and surgery.  So I'm asking myself, is it worth all the side affects for no better chance in being cancer free.
Amy and Angela would like to see me go more naturapathic and see if that would work.  And I see nothing wrong with detoxing one's body and boosting one's immunity naturally.  So I may do that also, since it's certainly not going to hurt me.
After much prayer and pro/con self-talk I decided to wait with the portacath until after the PET scan.  If the scan shows that there are a lot of cancer cells that are throughout my body I will go with chemo, but if the cancer is localized at the tumor site I will go with radiation and surgery.
 I feel at peace with my decision.