Make your dreams come true

On August 14, 2009 Rosie(my car) and I were on the road again. This time Curt was not with us. I love traveling alone, it gives one lots of time to think. I have not been content for quite some time now. I suppose some would call it depressed but I just feel unsettled, like "is this what I am suppose to be doing with my life or is there something more". At first I thought it was the very long, cold winter. And then I thought maybe it was being evacuated at work and spending every night shift stuck back in a dark room with only a small lamp to provide light. I was sure once summer came and we got back to work as usual this "sad" feeling would leave me. But I find the only time I am truly happy is when I am with my children and that is not nearly enough times. So as I am driving down to Iowa/Nebraska I am thinking about my life and how I have always felt cheated not being able to stay home and raise my children. I never really resented Pat for that until Jeremy's graduation and he mentioned that he was so glad he could be living his dream and I made a comment to the fact that someone had to be responsible and raise the four children. And I got very angry that he had stolen my dream and he didn't even seem to care. Not that he could have changed anything at that point. And then when I got remarried I thought that at least I could maybe cut back and be able to stay at home a little more. Be able to have more time to visit the kids. But not so. And now that the kids are all grown you would think I would have no problem with working full-time but I still long to be able to stay home. Maybe because I have never had the option, it is such a driving force for me. I know people that say they would be so bored staying at home every day and I can think of so many things I would do. I would take up quilting, take dance lessons, do volunteer work, work on scrapbooking, counted cross-stitch, practice guitar, clarinet, piano, organize my house, landscape my yard. The list goes on and on...Oh, and of course travel, travel, travel. So as I am driving I feel that I just want to run away, keep driving and end up wherever the road takes me. I started crying and couldn't stop. I called Curt on the cell phone when I stopped for gas and told him I thought maybe I should go see the doctor when I got home and get started on an anti-depressant. And then I saw the sign..."I'm a wife, a mother, and a student making my dream come true". It was a billboard for a college. And I thought, "Yup, Terri. It's up to you to make your own dream come true". I can feel sorry for myself because I feel cheated but only I can change that now. I have a dream of living by my children and having some type of family business, I dream about being a marriage counselor, I dream about traveling and visiting every National Park, I dream about being a really wonderful grandma someday. How I am going to make those dreams come true I don't know but it lifts my spirits just thinking about the possibilities. Well, I got to Tim and Amy's that night and after going to church and out to lunch at LaMesa we went to Lauritzen Gardens and saw some beautiful flowers. landscaping and my favorite part was the model railroad garden where they have these model trains running through tunnels and bridges and everything is made out of trees, bark, pinecones and other natural things, even the buildings, which were replicas of buildings in Omaha. They also had an exhibit of the architectural wonders of the world also made out of pinecones, bark, acorns, sand and other stuff. It was really amazing what some people can do. That evening we went to a concert of the "Brass in Blues"(I think was their name), an Air Force band. They were very good! Sunday morning Amy, Mom and myself were up early and on our way to Lincoln to pick up Angela to take her on the long trip to Ogalalla to meet Mat and then she and Mat would be leaving for Japan on Tuesday. (to get more of that story you'll have to go to Angela's blog). It was nice to be able to visit with Angela for 3 hours on the way out to western Neb. I was sad to have to leave and head back home on Monday. But all in all it was a very good trip.